The gender question

Something people like to talk to you about when you're having a baby is the gender of your baby. It generates endless discussion. Are you going to find out the gender? What do you think it is? What are you hoping for? I've also heard many discussions about who's easier, boys or girls, and have celebrated the idea of having one of each. I don't want to dismiss these discussions or pretend I'm above them, because honestly I've participated in them too, but I do want to challenge them.

Let me start by saying that I won't argue boys and girls aren't different. That's just objectively false. I've seen it play out as a teacher, the girls at my school cause trouble by talking, the guys do it by fighting. You can see it in other places too. There's a reason sports leagues are separated by gender. Boys and girls are simply different. What I want to argue is that those differences are clear when you look at boys and girls as a whole, but that isn't really helpful on a one to one basis.

Have you ever walked down a baby clothing isle? It's quite an experience. Everything is adorable. It'll melt your little heart. However, something always bugs me about it. Look at the boys side, you'll see things about being tough, being rock stars, athletes, and lots of other fun stuff. Look at the girls side... everything is about being cute or being a princess. Now, don't get me wrong, some girls really identify with the princess thing, and there's nothing wrong with that... but why is that the only option? Why don't girls get to be tough, or athletic? Why can't girls rock? The most extreme version of this reared its ugly head in value village this Halloween.

Look at that. It's kind of creepy, isn't it? Boys get to dress up like cops and firefighters, girls get to dress up like girls going to a Halloween party. Without even touching the sexualization of young girls, we could talk endlessly about the problems here. Part of the reason there are differences between girls and boys is biological, and part of the problem is from socialization. When we give girls these kind of options, we socialize them. The message is clear, boys get serious jobs, girls are cute. 

Now, obviously more boys will be firefighters and cops than girls, because of the nature of the job. That makes sense. I'm fine with that. The point is that just because most boys are better suited for that than most girls doesn't mean that no girls are.

Studies have shown that parents are more likely to discourage girls from doing the same activities at the playground that they encourage boys to do. Boys are rewarded for taking risks, girls are punished. There are little things we do throughout our interactions with boys and girls that socialize them in ways we don't even think about.

I have a boy and a girl. I want them both to know that they can do whatever they want to do. When I look at Grace, I don't see a girly Disney princess. I don't see a tom boy either. I see Grace. She loves to run around. She loves running, jumping, playing catch, dancing, reading, and pretending. If she wants to play sports, that's fine. If she wants to dress up and play princess, that's fine too. When I look at Isaac, I don't see a future quarterback. I see Isaac. He doesn't do much yet, he's 5 weeks old. He's a bit of a blank slate. He can grow up to like whatever he wants. If he likes sports, great. If he likes baking, also great.

The point is, conversations like "who's easier, boys or girls?" don't really make sense to me, because I don't really think of it as raising a boy and a girl. I think of it as raising Grace and Isaac.