When you turn four

Dear Grace

Today you turned four.

FOUR!

My goodness.

I'm pretty sure every time there's a birthday in the world there is some parent having an existential crisis somewhere and thinking "Weren't you just a baby?", but seriously, weren't you just a baby?

When you turn four, it's different than your other birthdays. Your first birthday, you have no idea what's going on, but you sure do like smashing cake. When you turn two, you can maybe tell people it's your birthday, you can open presents and play with toys and put up two fingers when someone asks how old you are, but you still don't really get it. When you turn three, you're closer. You understand that it's your birthday, you know it'll be fun, you know you're three, but you don't have a lot of preexisting ideas about birthdays. I remember on your third birthday you came out of your room, saw balloons hanging from the door and said, "It's my birthday in my room!". Adorable.

When you turn four, you get it. You know there's presents. You know there's cake. You know there's fun. You know and understand that you're getting older and bigger. You can maybe remember parts of your last birthday. You could even remember this birthday years from now. So your mom and I (and especially your mom) worked very hard to make it special for you. We took you to the aquarium, we had a pizza party, we had the cake of your choice, you got very nice presents. We wanted you to feel special.

On our drive home, without being asked, you said "thank you for my birthday" and when we asked if you were having a good day you said, "This is the best birthday ever". That meant a lot to us.

As you get older you are getting easier and easier to talk to. You understand what's happening around you. You ask smart questions, make interesting connections, and are always learning. When I look at you, I don't see a toddler anymore. I see a little girl. I see a girl who is smart, silly, curious, caring, and kind hearted. You're not afraid to tell us what you want, but you are incredibly grateful for what you get. You are a little girl with a big heart and big eyes.

When you turn four, you know a lot more about who you are. We are so excited to celebrate that with you.

Love Dad

One whole year of awesome

Dear Isaac

Today was your first birthday! It's hard to believe it's been a year already, but at the same time it's hard to remember a time when you weren't in our life.

You had a good birthday. You had presents, and toys, and Nana and Grandma came to visit, and you had tons of fun playing.

You also hard a hard birthday. You were teething. And teething sucks. There was a moment today when you were really upset. You were crying and crying and crying on my lap. Then, I picked you up, put your tummy on my head, and shook my head all over your tummy. You thought that was hilarious. Then I put you down. You immediately started crying again. Because you're teething. And teething sucks.

The great thing about your first birthday is that we really get to see some of the first hints of what you're personality is like. So let me give you a few ideas about what that looks like right now.

1. You are determined. When you want something, nothing will get in your way. 
2. You are friendly. No stranger is safe from an ultra cute Isaac smile.
3. You are rambunctious. You like big noises, big splashes, and big messes.
4. You are goofy. You love to smile, love to play, and love to laugh. Even your name means "He laughs."

I like that last one. Teething sucks. Lots of things about life are going to suck. I hope you keep finding the time in those moments to recognize that it's good to laugh. I'm sure you will. It's who you are.



Love Dad.

Pride and Fear the day after your third birthday.

Dear Grace

Yesterday was your third birthday. You had so much fun. We went to Castle Fun Park, had a pizza party with friends, ate cake, opened presents and went to Choo Choo's for dinner. It was a great day.

As a parent, you can't help but reflect on birthdays. A lot has changed since last year. I really think we're starting to get a more clear picture of who you are. There are things about you that have been a part of you for a while, but are becoming more and more defined. Your passion for music, your kindness, your concern for others, your silliness. They're all just becoming more obvious as you grow. I couldn't help but think that I really like who you are becoming. Everyone love's their kids, even if they're bad at expressing it. I feel lucky that I also really like you.

So that was yesterday. Today has been a little more relaxed. We've run a few errands, played with your toys, and hung out around the house. But one thing happened that, while it may seem insignificant to others, was a very big deal to me. Your mom and I brought you and your brother to McDonalds so we could have a coffee while you played on the play place. You did what you always do, looked at the play place very excitedly and watched other kids play while hesitating to go on yourself. I think you get that from me.

After about twenty minutes of you standing shyly at the stairs and your brother trying to chew on other children's shoes, we decided it was maybe time to go. After informing you of this, you got really upset because you wanted to stay and play some more. We told you we could stay longer if you actually played in the play place. That's exactly what you did. Honestly, it was one of the first times you went off to play without one of us by your side.

It was a weird feeling for your mom and I. We couldn't see you at all. I could feel my blood pressure going up. I knew logically that you were old enough to do this, there was no danger, you weren't far away, and there were just other kids in there. But it was still terrifying. Shortly after disappearing we could hear you laughing and jumping, and then you would pop out of one of the slides.

It's hard to describe just how proud I was of you. That was a big risk for you. You're like me. Cautious. Vulnerable. But you knew you wanted to play so you went for it any way and had a great time. I'm so proud of you for that. I know that as you grow older there will be times I can't be there for every part of your journey, I won't see every step you take, but I trust you. I trust you'll do the things you're passionate about, make good decisions, and come out the other side. And I promise I'll always be there, waiting to congratulate you, and bursting with pride.

I love you

Dad

To the one in the trenches

One of the themes I like to explore in this space is the idea of evolving gender roles, how just because I'm the dad doesn't mean I'm working, and just because my wife is the mom doesn't mean she's doing housework. The funny thing is that right now, she actually is a stay at home mom, and I am the one going to work. The important thing is that this isn't because we like to conform to social norms, it just works for us right now. This summer, when my school is closed and I'm not working, those roles will most likely be reversed.

That kind of terrifies me.

I love my kids. They're the best kids you could ask for. They're happy, healthy, fun, and loving. I can't get enough of them. But truthfully, I don't know what it's like to be with them, by myself, all day, everyday.

That's what my wife does, and she's incredible at it. I see the activities she does with them, decorating our ceiling so Grace can look at the stars, baking, coloring, making crafts, all sorts of things, and I'm not sure I can come up with all that stuff. She keeps the house clean too.

I can't even keep the house clean with just myself home.

The other day I had them for one hour, she tried to call me, but I couldn't answer because I had an infant screaming in my ear, a toddler screaming to go to the bathroom, and the floor was covered in spaghetti. How do you deal with that for 8 hours a day by yourself?

Today is mothers day, and I've been reflecting on how lucky I am to have such an incredible mother for my children. I am blown away everyday by the patience, wisdom, creativity, and care she shows our children all the time. Frankly, I'm envious of her. She's in the trenches everyday with those two, and some days aren't easy. Some days run you down. But she wouldn't trade it for the world; and I wouldn't trade her for the world. So, here's to Moms. Not just any moms, the best moms. The ones who make the everyday exciting, who make the missteps lessons, who make childhood magical, and who make us all proud.

Anger

We had a history with this child. I won't use his name, but I will tell you we've given him the nickname "El Diablo". He's just one of those loud, in your face, won't leave you alone kind of kids. You know the kind. He's probably 3 or 4 years old. We've encountered him a few times at the park. The first time it was Grace and I there. He decided he wanted to play with us. You know, if I was a perfect human being, I would've probably let him. I wasn't feeling particularly altruistic at the moment and really just wanted to play with my daughter during a nice day at the park. El Diablo had other ideas. Grace and I were playing a game where we would pop out of different parts of the playground to surprise each other, and this kid decides he wants to do the same. He gets right in my face, and at a couple points saliva flies off of his face and onto mine. Of course, this is not the kind of child who listens to requests to be left alone. Eventually you just kind of have to move on and play somewhere where you hope he won't follow you.

This was not the last time we encountered this child. Sometimes he would annoy other people at the park, sometimes us. It happened lots. I was not around for the last run in with this child, I only heard about it through my wife, who had taken the kids to the park while I was at work. First, she text me to say that El Diablo was there again, and he was annoying some older kids. Shortly after this I got a text that said "That friggen kid! He just hit Grace"

It's hard to explain the kind of thoughts that text made me feel. I was mad, and as more information about what  happened came in, I just got more angry. He ran up behind her and hit her across the back. Truthfully it doesn't sound like she was very physically hurt, but she got very sad and just wanted to go home. It might have been less infuriating if she was just physically hurt, because she's a tough girl and can bounce back from that; but she loves running around the park so much and the fact that someone could ruin that for her is heartbreaking. It created a kind of irrational anger in me. The kind of anger that makes me hate a small child.

Now, there is one part of this story you may notice is missing. Where are this kids parents? There's usually somebody there with him, but literally every time I've seen them, they've been talking on their cell phone. Rather than playing with their kid, or paying any attention to him, they are talking on the phone every single time. The reason this kid so aggressively inserts himself into everyone else's play is because there is no one there to play with him. You know that stereotype of kids who do things just to get attention? Yeah, it's usually because they don't get any. If we have another run in with him, I'll have to remember to direct my anger towards his parent, not him. Because I know my kid will be okay, I'm not convinced about theirs. 

Terrible

All ages come with their challenges. Newborns need constant attention and deny your sleep, one year olds are constantly finding ways to get themselves killed, but only two year olds are actually named after how terrible they can be.

I love the internet, but it has a few negative consequences. One such consequence is that it causes us to radicalize every issue. Everything is either incredible, or the worst. There's very little room for nuance. This could be said for the way we discuss parenting online. Sometimes it's shown to be a complete train wreck that ruins your life, other times it's glorified above all else. I don't want either of those things to be what this space is for. I want this space to be an honest look at what being a dad is really like.

Honestly, sometimes it's really hard. When Grace was just starting to interact with us, she was the sweetest, most innocent thing you could imagine.

Look at that face. How could that face ever cause anyone any trouble? Terrible twos? Yeah, like my sweetie is ever going to hit that stage. Honestly, by the time she hit 2 I still felt that way. Sure, she was a little more strong willed, but she was so sweet.

I didn't really notice it until her brother came along. Suddenly, she wasn't getting all the attention she was used to. That's when she started acting out. She's clever, because she knows when you're busy. The time to do it is when there's only one parent, and they're busy with Isaac. What's that? I can't throw my food? Well you're busy with Isaac, so across the room it goes!

Or when she does little things like intentionally hit or scratch you, and then laughs when you tell her to stop. Honestly, it's weird how you can feel hurt by the laughter. Suddenly your sweet little baby finds your pain amusing. You know that she doesn't really know what's going on, and that she loves you, but it's hard to be rationale in some of these moments. Especially when you haven't gotten a proper nights sleep in weeks because of the new addition.

Having a two year old is hard. They're smart enough to remember things for months, but you still can't explain long term consequences. Sometimes you forget that they're still toddlers, because they understand so much of what's going on, but they are. You can only reason so much with them.

Grace has moments where her behaviour could be described as terrible. Moments, where as a parent, you're left dumbfounded and frustrated. But there's another sense in which Grace is terrible...

Grace is terribly curious. She wants to know what everything is and how it works. She loves to learn.

Grace is terribly imaginative. Baking strawberry cakes is her favourite new game, but strawberries can be anything. They can be her toys, Mr. Potato head pieces, her lego, or thin air. 

Grace is terribly loving. The amount of hugs and kisses everyone in our family gets is amazing. She's stepped up her hug game too, they involve squeezes now!

While the terrible twos can be frustrating, they can also be exciting. Watching her play evolve, seeing her language skills grow, seeing her memory expand, seeing her develop traits like empathy. These things are all incredibly exciting. Terribly exciting. There will be bumps along the road. There will always be challenges. That's okay. Grace will always be my little girl. She's still sweet and innocent. She's developing a personality before my eyes, and it's inspiring. If this is the trade off, well, a little terrible never killed anybody. 

The gender question

Something people like to talk to you about when you're having a baby is the gender of your baby. It generates endless discussion. Are you going to find out the gender? What do you think it is? What are you hoping for? I've also heard many discussions about who's easier, boys or girls, and have celebrated the idea of having one of each. I don't want to dismiss these discussions or pretend I'm above them, because honestly I've participated in them too, but I do want to challenge them.

Let me start by saying that I won't argue boys and girls aren't different. That's just objectively false. I've seen it play out as a teacher, the girls at my school cause trouble by talking, the guys do it by fighting. You can see it in other places too. There's a reason sports leagues are separated by gender. Boys and girls are simply different. What I want to argue is that those differences are clear when you look at boys and girls as a whole, but that isn't really helpful on a one to one basis.

Have you ever walked down a baby clothing isle? It's quite an experience. Everything is adorable. It'll melt your little heart. However, something always bugs me about it. Look at the boys side, you'll see things about being tough, being rock stars, athletes, and lots of other fun stuff. Look at the girls side... everything is about being cute or being a princess. Now, don't get me wrong, some girls really identify with the princess thing, and there's nothing wrong with that... but why is that the only option? Why don't girls get to be tough, or athletic? Why can't girls rock? The most extreme version of this reared its ugly head in value village this Halloween.

Look at that. It's kind of creepy, isn't it? Boys get to dress up like cops and firefighters, girls get to dress up like girls going to a Halloween party. Without even touching the sexualization of young girls, we could talk endlessly about the problems here. Part of the reason there are differences between girls and boys is biological, and part of the problem is from socialization. When we give girls these kind of options, we socialize them. The message is clear, boys get serious jobs, girls are cute. 

Now, obviously more boys will be firefighters and cops than girls, because of the nature of the job. That makes sense. I'm fine with that. The point is that just because most boys are better suited for that than most girls doesn't mean that no girls are.

Studies have shown that parents are more likely to discourage girls from doing the same activities at the playground that they encourage boys to do. Boys are rewarded for taking risks, girls are punished. There are little things we do throughout our interactions with boys and girls that socialize them in ways we don't even think about.

I have a boy and a girl. I want them both to know that they can do whatever they want to do. When I look at Grace, I don't see a girly Disney princess. I don't see a tom boy either. I see Grace. She loves to run around. She loves running, jumping, playing catch, dancing, reading, and pretending. If she wants to play sports, that's fine. If she wants to dress up and play princess, that's fine too. When I look at Isaac, I don't see a future quarterback. I see Isaac. He doesn't do much yet, he's 5 weeks old. He's a bit of a blank slate. He can grow up to like whatever he wants. If he likes sports, great. If he likes baking, also great.

The point is, conversations like "who's easier, boys or girls?" don't really make sense to me, because I don't really think of it as raising a boy and a girl. I think of it as raising Grace and Isaac.